


The Spectre of Dave

by EvilFuzzyDoom



Category: Black Books
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilFuzzyDoom/pseuds/EvilFuzzyDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fran seeks entertainment at the shop on a hot Summer day. The threat of Dave's Syndrome returns!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spectre of Dave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foxtwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtwin/gifts).



> Written as a Yuletide treat 2013. Left-aligned text is action, centred is dialogue and character-specific stage directions.
> 
> Set some time during season 3.

BLACK BOOKS

OUTSIDE THE SHOP, the street is visibly sweltering. The hot yellow light of day bathes cafe-goers who luxuriate in cool drinks.

FRAN, bent forward and letting her arms dangle limply before her, lopes along the street towards the shop entrance.

INSIDE THE SHOP, the door opens with a tinkle of doorbell.

FRAN lopes inside, gently nudging a customer aside with her face.

BERNARD is at his desk, with his nose in a book. He is wearing sunglasses and smoking.

FRAN  
Bernard, Bernard I'm bored and it's hot and I'm bored and it's...

(Straightening, looking around puzzled)  
It's not hot in here? What's going on, Bernard? What is this?

BERNARD looks up.

BERNARD  
Hrm? Oh, I got an air conditioner.

BERNARD points. Previously unseen, a massive white portable AIR CONDITIONER is in front of the toilet door. It is audibly working, humming loudly.

FRAN  
(In awe)  
Oh wow. That's lovely.

She stands in front of the AIR CONDITIONER and closes her eyes, enjoying the cool air for a moment.

BERNARD  
(Roughly putting his book down on the desk)  
What was it you wanted exactly, Fran? I'm very busy.

Fran pointedly looks around at the shop. There is one customer at the main table, and another in the corner opposite the door. Both are reading quietly.

BERNARD  
(Taking a drag of his cigarette)  
Very busy. Good book.

FRAN moves to sit in front of BERNARD.

FRAN  
I'm bored, Bernard. Bored bored bored. My flat is too hot and it's sticky and icky and uck! Let's get a drink or something!

BERNARD  
(Shaking his head)  
Can't. Won't.

FRAN  
(Pouting)  
Oh please!

BERNARD  
(Emphatically shaking his head)  
Shan't! Entertain yourself, Ethel. I've got reading to do.

BERNARD resumes his book. FRAN stands up in a huff and heads through the curtains INTO THE KITCHEN.

FRAN  
Fine! I guess in that case I'll have to find my own entertainment!

FRAN opens the fridge and jumps back in fright! MANNY is curled up in it.

MANNY  
Ah!

FRAN  
Ah!

MANNY  
Ah!

FRAN  
Ah!

BERNARD  
(Shouting from the shop)  
Argh! Shut up!

FRAN  
(Pausing...)  
What are you doing in the refridgerator? Get out, I want a cool drink not eau de beard.

MANNY  
(Hesitating)  
Oh, er, here!

MANNY passes Fran a bottle.

MANNY  
Try the riesling, it's lovely.

FRAN  
But what are you doing in there?

MANNY gets out of the fridge, dusts himself off. He removes a jar of mustard from his pocket and replaces it in the fridge before closing the door.

MANNY  
I'm trying to keep cool. I don't want to have another episode!

FRAN  
(Pouring herself a glass of the wine)  
Oh, you mean your funny little turns? Dwayne's Syndrome?

BERNARD  
(Still shouting from the shop)  
Bah!

MANNY  
It's called Dave's Syndrome, and it's no laughing matter! Last time, it took three days to get the wode out of my hair.

FRAN  
Oh, I'm sure it's not all that bad?

BERNARD  
(Poking his head through the curtains into the kitchen)  
Not all that bad?! He'll piss and moan about his beard grooming, but it was me who had the real suffering Fran, it was me who had to sweep chicken giblets off the shelves and scrape the ochre off the toilet bowl while Attila the Hun was having his bloody stomach pumped.

MANNY, indignant, stomps INTO THE SHOP to confront BERNARD. FRAN follows. The customers have left.

MANNY  
Well it was your fault! You turned the heating on! You wanted to see what happened when it hit eighty-eight degrees!

BERNARD flails.

BERNARD  
You make it sound like I was being malicious! I was curious, because you made the whole thing sound exciting and mysterious! Turns out it was just messy and irritating.

MANNY  
I said you didn’t want to know!

BERNARD  
Which makes it sound exciting and mysterious!

(Calmer)  
Anyway, I got the air conditioner, didn’t I? Much cooler in here now. No Daves or Dwaynes or Damians anywhere. What’s your problem?

FRAN sits heavily back in the chair by the desk.

FRAN  
Oh please boys, enough about you, what about me? Talk to me pay attention to me entertain me!

BERNARD picks up his book again.

BERNARD  
Yeah Manny, why don’t you take Fran to the beach or something or you two can go to Plymouth for a picnic and then I can read my book in peace.

MANNY  
I can’t go outside, Bernard! I’ll have an episode! I’ll leave a disastrous trail behind me halfway across town!

BERNARD  
(Slamming down his book)  
Oh come on! This is ridiculous. I should sell you to medical science - I’ll tell them you’re the missing link and they’ll wire up electrodes to your head to figure out how you can function without a brain.

MANNY  
Bernard -

BERNARD  
They’ll put you on display as a modern miracle – come see the ninth wonder of the world: his cogitative power completely encased in beard! I mean Fran, get this, he’s so daft he’s bought some rubbish voodoo science magic amulet to make himself happier.

MANNY  
I’ve told you Bernard, it’s a Negative Ion Generator.

BERNARD  
Voodoo. Magic. Amulet.

FRAN  
(Sitting up attentively)  
Oh? What’s this?

MANNY  
A Negative Ion Generator. It charges the air electrically, like after a thunderstorm, or around a waterfall. Have you ever felt that sort of serenity which comes over you after a summer storm?

BERNARD  
(Muttering, returning to his book)  
What a load of poppycock.

FRAN waves BERNARD quiet.

FRAN  
Hush, Bernard.

MANNY  
Well it’s like that. The little electric gizmo inside reacts with the air to ionize it just like a thunderstorm, and you get this sense of marvellous calm and well... just a sort of lovely niceness.

FRAN  
Well, where is it? You seem awfully stressed at the moment, why not wear it.

MANNY  
It doesn’t work.

BERNARD  
Ha! I knew you’d give it up, you sentient shagpile!

MANNY  
I meant it’s stopped working. Out of batteries or something. You probably sabotaged it, Bernard, you were against it from the start – you hate it when I mail order things.

BERNARD  
The delivery man has a funny knock; I can’t tell if he wants to come in or someone’s petting him.

FRAN  
(Pointedly ignoring BERNARD)  
Well go and get it! Let’s have a look then. Maybe I can fix it.

MANNY rushes off.

BERNARD eyeballs FRAN over his sunglasses, disparagingly.

BERNARD  
You’ve been a smoker since high school and it took you three days to successfully identify an enormous novelty lighter – what in blazes are you going to do to his bloody pendant? Gather your friends and take it to Mordor?

FRAN  
(Finishing her drink)  
Oh shut up.

BERNARD spots a customer eating an ice cream.

BERNARD  
Hey! You! No eating in the shop!

BERNARD looks around, takes off his shoe and throws it at the customer. He misses, but the customer drops the ice cream and flees.

MANNY returns.

BERNARD  
Oh, and now I suppose we’ll see what the techno wizard can do for homo beardonicus.

FRAN stands and takes the NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR from MANNY, who stands with a distinctly prehistoric air. FRAN walks to the front of the shop and holds it up in the light to get a good look.

BERNARD  
I’ll bet you can’t do a bloody thing, you know why? Because it doesn’t do anything. It’s a crock. A placebo. A clever way to part unclever people with their money and have them feel like they’ve done something hilariously intelligent.

MANNY  
You haven’t got the faintest idea what you’re talking about! You know, even the tiniest environmental change can lead to an improvement in someone’s mental wellbeing. I mean, you’ve heard the song right? “From little things, big things grow?” Think about acorns, or sleeping properly, or medication!

BERNARD stands and bops MANNY on the head with his book.

BERNARD  
I am thinking about medication. For you.

FRAN  
I think I’ve figured it out, actually. Manny, come here and have a look at it, will you?

MANNY goes over to FRAN to get the NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR and BERNARD sits back down, huffing.

MANNY  
Oh, I see! You’ve reversed the polarity! Look Bernard, I’ll show you –

MANNY takes the NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR and starts running back to BERNARD, but slips on the ICE CREAM dropped by the customer. The NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR flies from MANNY’s hands and falls into the AIR CONDITIONER’s intake tube. FRAN and BERNARD stare at the AIR CONDITIONER, which makes worryingly industrial sounds before shuddering and falling silent.

(From the floor)  
Oh no.

BERNARD  
You great furry idiot.

MANNY  
(From the floor)  
Oh no.

BERNARD  
(Standing)  
You bumbling, useless twit.

FRAN  
Hang on Bernard, it’s not his fault.

BERNARD  
(Growing angry)  
Not his fault? Not his fault?! He’s the one who’s going to be hurling his own faeces at people in the next twenty minutes. He’s the one who’s going to try and mate with the bookshelves! HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GOING TO MAKE A TERRIBLE MESS OF MY BLOODY SHOP.

(Calmer)  
I on the other hand, am going to take my coat-

BERNARD picks up his coat.

\- and my book –

BERNARD stuffs his book into a coat pocket, then heads into the kitchen. The fridge door can be heard opening.

\- and this bottle of wine –

BERNARD reappears

\- And I’m going to go and find somewhere peaceful and quiet to read -

BERNARD steps over MANNY and heads for the door.

\- OUT of the blast radius of Tropical Storm Enraged Bear!

The door slams.

A few seconds pass, FRAN standing in apprehensive silence and staring wide-eyed at MANNY.

MANNY rises to his feet, looks around and dusts himself off. He calmly goes to the AIR CONDITIONER and gives it a thump on the side. The NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR clatters to the floor. MANNY flicks the switch on the AIR CONDITIONER twice, and it hums back to life. He smugly brushes his hands together as FRAN approaches him, surprised.

FRAN  
Did you plan that?

MANNY mumbles non-committedly but affirmatively.

That was pretty impressive!

MANNY puts the NEGATIVE ION GENERATOR, on a string, around his neck.

MANNY  
Would you like to play some Scrabble?

FRAN  
Yes! Yes I would! I can’t believe you planned that!

MANNY goes into the kitchen, quickly returning with a Scrabble set.

You’re some kind of savant, you know that?

MANNY  
Would you like to play the red side or the white side?

FRAN  
(Waiting a beat)  
... What?


End file.
